Randall posted a quote from Henri Nouwen on Joy. Actually it is more about our choices in life that let us choose joy over bitterness and how those choices shape our lives. Not unlike choosing to live through the bitter bits of life managing the bad taste by flavouring them with a deep sense of the safety of God’s love or letting the bitterness sour all the rest of life still to be tasted.
I deal with a lot of fear. Sometimes I have a lot of fear. I think that how we choose to deal with our fear can also shape us. There are likely other emotions that one could say the same about but I have seen patients who manage their fears and those who let their fears incapacitiate them. There just are some things that arouse fear in us – heights, dentists, needles, the dark, being alone. Most of these we learn to deal with since we can’t avoid all the situations where we have to face the things that cause us to fear.
I can remember when I learned not to be afraid of lightning. I am not saying that I don’t respect lightning but I learned not to go hide in the bedroom with my head under the covers. When I had children that needed a strong person there when they cried at the crack of the lightning, it was time for me to leave that fear behind. I guess we could have all run and hid under the bed together. But you can see how choices change us and those around us too. Now, my children have learned a great respect for lightning but they also enjoy watching the storm.
So, I am having a bit of surgery on Thursday. And as I wait for the approaching day, I realize that I am a bit afraid. There are always the unknowns and because they are unknown, they are easily blown up in my mind to become something to fear. Local anesthetic is the safest but in some sense i would like to be asleep – just wake up and it would be done. Since this is something I need but also something I chose to have corrected, I guess I had also better choose not to fear it. I’m not sure how successful I will be at that.
This fear kind of sits on my chest. It is a bit weird, letting it sit there, experiencing it, feeling it but choosing not to let it incapacitate me.
I feel it just the same.
Just as one really does taste the bitterness of life at times.
It is real. It is no fun. But what we do with it makes a huge difference.
Back to work today after a weekend that didn’t hold much rest.
Friday night I was up way too late talking to Rachelle. We haven’t talked like that for ages. I stayed overnight with her and Asen. Another thing I haven’t done – ever. And it was good. Asen hooked me up into the internet and even got up early with me and made me a fantastic breakfast. I will accept pampering any time.
The course I attended on Saturday was excellent. About midmorning, we were served hot cinnamon buns that were fantastic. The lectures were also top notch. Learned a lot of little tips that will make it easier and safer to treat the elderly in our practice. I often talk about the children I treat, cause I love the kids, but folks at the other end of life have their own unique needs.
Going to Saskatoon always involves seeing my kids that live there. This time I made a trip down to the Midtown Mall when I got there on Friday evening. Annette was working. Since she is assistant manager and the store was short staffed, she took Kieran with her and went in to help out. I met them there and Kieran and I went for a walk around the mall. It was very quiet – like dead quiet. That was good for a couple of wanderers. I did go into one store since I thought I would check out some sweaters. As we looked Kieran said, “There are so many clothes in here, there are so many clothes.” You could almost hear the panic in his voice – there must be somewhere better than this. So I did not browse more than a few minutes. Then we found the Sony store. A Bug’s Life was on the big screen. He squatted down in front of it and before we knew, it was time to go back and pick up his mom.
Last thing I did on Saturday was to take Patrick out for supper at Alexander’s. We had a good talk about the state of the developing world and then went down the street to have a peek at the new little grrl at Becky and Jerry’s place. Wow. What a sweet little thing.
Sunday – From worship practice at 8:30 till the end of the church’s annual meeting about 4, I was at church and busy. I guess I was busy before since we had a potluck dinner there and I had stuff to get ready. Chicken curry – actually pretty easy since I put it on the night before in the slow cooker.
So today, when I finally finished work, I was tired. It was a crazy busy day at work too. Nothing went according to schedule. Nothing was easy. Seems like we always cram so much into the days before we have a few days off. I am almost looking forward to this little procedure since I have booked a week off to recuperate – unbruise.
Tonight I grabbed some fast food and headed out on the road down to Saskatoo. Tomorrow I attend a Continuing Ed course of Treatment of the Frail Elderly in the Private Office.
A timely subject, since my generation is getting up there.
This, after seeing my doctor this afternoon in preparation for the little surgery I am having on my eye lids next Thursday. My ticker still ticks just fine, my blood pressure is reasonable, my weight is not. Oh well.
Anyway, I mentionned to her that I seem to be having more problems with arthritis. She looked at the little nodules developing on my finger joints and agreed with me. Not that there is anything they can do about that. And she looked at my feet which have been giving me some pain. She had the gall to remind me that as we get older we tend to splay out a bit in the feet.
Wish it was just the feet.
So I guess I will be starting on some anti-arthritis meds. Also will be sent for a bone density scan in the future – before I crumble.
Maybe I will have to start taking this aging stuff seriously one of these days.
Pass the calcium please. Oh yeah, slip me one of those little cholesterol pills while you are at it.
Tonight I went to orchestra practice. I suck. There are some days when I wonder what on earth I thought when I joined this group. Tonight was one of them.
Actually tonight I feel like I suck and besides my feet are tired from standing on a cement floor for 1 1/2 hours.
I practice the songs – there are 8 or 9 that we have been working since September. I can play them in the privacy of my own home — cause then I can go nice and slow. Very slow. Then I get to practice and hit about every fourth note — if it is an open string. I do the open strings quite well actually.
I know that I have improved a whole lot. Remarkably actually. When you start at zero you can only get better.
I think I am at the level where now I know how bad I really am and how much better I have to get to make this instrument sound like it should. I told one of my fellow bassists, “Next year I will be much better” She insists that I am doing great and that she can’t believe how well I am doing. I would like to believe her. I will keep on.
Maybe this is one of those learning plateaus. Well, I won’t quit but I hope I do not make the whole orchestra look bad at the music festival and concert.
“Mom, pray for me,”
These are the words of a somewhat anxious grade 12 student beginning her exams today. French and Christian Ethics.
She studies hard and I am fairly sure she will do well. Jitters.
We all have the jitters over something in ife. It is good to have God’s presence to count on in the anxious moments we face.
So, I lift her up and all those in the exam mode, that they might write their exams with a clear mind, remembering the material they have studied so hard – or not – as the case may be!
Sometimes I enjoy driving. I did today, just me in the car, listening to my music, thinking, enjoying the brightness of the sun on the drifts. I decided to take a quick trip to Saskatoon to take care of some business, deliver some things to my kids, pick some other things up from them and pick up an original piece of artwork from my grandson.
Kieran drew me the Grinch. I guess he all of a sudden started treating the Grinch (stuffed toy) as his imaginary friend. He talks to him and even gets a dish of cereal for him in the morning. I am honored to have the original drawing of him. He has an orange head by the way.
I came back in time to pick up Massa and Yaunde and head over to Ecole Valois for a performance by Senaya, a jazz/blues singer originally from Senegal. She was good. And not only was her performance fantastic but the audience participation she stimulated was superbe. She even got me and the two sisters that came up there dancing.
I am sort of prejudiced but I thought Sara was the absolutely most gorgeous girl in the show.
This was one of the dresses she wore. It was stunning and likely very expensive. I’m glad she has already bought her dress – the dress she will wear for about three hours max!