Preparing for the end

It seems too close to the end.  I was sharing with a classmate that I am not very good at endings – at good-byes.  I’ve had to say good-bye too many times in my life and so I have let myself become steeled to the process.  I pack my feelings up tightly inside and dismiss them.  But they are not really dismissed – they are smothered but hang on to a bit of my insides – down there where hurt rises when it is least expected.  Maybe smothering the deep sense of loss that comes with good-byes, especially of people that I may never see again, cuts me off from them too early.  As I said, I’m already preparing for the good-byes and we’ll be together all day and part of tomorrow.

I wonder who I would be if I could let the sorrow of separation show.

This morning the feeling of sorrow sits on my chest like a heavy weight.  Maybe I have grown up enough that I don’t have to be strong for anyone and hide what I really feel.  It will hurt to say good-bye and none of the platitudes about “it’s only for a season” or “we’ll try to keep in contact”  will make it easier.  This is something I have to go through.

And I am just thinking as I reread this – “What a crappy post!”

I am glad Leo will be here tonight.  I need a hug and a real big shoulder to lean on.

Advertisements

Comments Off on Preparing for the end

Filed under Day to Day, Dealing with stuff

Comments are closed.